Monday, July 13, 2009

Way OT Stoned movie review # 2: Transformer? I barely knew her!!

Last night I made the mistake of watching the new Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen movie complllleeeeetelllyyyy stoned. Talk about your eyes glazing over! I don't think I've ever sat around for close to two hours in a near catatonic state like that before.. No wait, I actually did the week before last when I had to wait three HOURS in my town court. I was given a $140 ticket because I was MISSING A SLIP OF PAPER. Funnily enough it was given to me during one of those DWI awareness stops. The cop all leans into my car trying to smell alcohol on my breath or something and asks if I'd been drinking. To which I replied "Nope, I don't drink" before he passed me on down the line. THANK GOD he didn't ask me if I'd been a tokin' earlier that night because that surely would've made for an awkward moment. Wow that would've SUCKED! I'd spent the previous 10 minutes in line performing all but the freaking Lamaze technique to prevent inducing a paranoid fit. Though I have to say, while nothing is as terrifying as looking a cop in the eye from all of twelve inches away knowing you're about to tell a lie, stoned, there really is nothing quite like the elation that washes over you once you realized you've gotten away with it..

Speaking of terrifyingly sucky things- Micheal Bay has been really successful at totally ruining movies that just about anyone with even the slightest inkling of class and taste could do better. I think with this movie he went with the 'I know, I'll make a parody of myself, making a parody of myself! Brilliant!!' approach.. Which to be perfectly honest- kinda worked! Charlie Anders wasn't fucking around when he said MB finally made an art film.

Although right when I feared I'd might have to take back all the rude things I'd said about MB for being a fucking tool, the fucking tool in him didn't let me down! Why? because of the whole masturbatory military industrial complex montage BS mixed in there that he TOTALLY RIPPED OFF from Black Hawk Down! He's even got one of the same actors in there acting the EXACT same way! That's what we really need to see more of in mainstream Hollywood summer block buster movies. Let's just go ahead and glorify the military's doing what it does best. Meanwhile you've got those poor bastards out there getting needlessly maimed and losing their lives in that godforsaken abortion happening in the middle east. Yeah.. Military. That's really what we need to encourage more of..

Granted if everyone was required to complete a year or so of military training after high school, you know, like most every other country.. I'm sure things like gun violence and the value of human life would be better respected. Instead of glorified as a means to single minded end. Not to mention that stupid ass turn it to the side gangsta shit. Oh yeah, let me just flip this firearm 90 degrees so it looks cool despite the fact that it wasn't intended to be operated in said manner. Unless of course you're TRYING to hit that toddler in the chest while they're playing in a kiddie pool across the street..

As for the stars, the Transformers are still WAY too complicated/confusing to look at most of the time and what was up with Devastator being a freaking snake like vacuum cleaner?! MEGA LAME! It wasn't even that hollow neon green color. Megan Fox was so done up like a thanksgiving turkey she looked like a fucking Tranny! Can we please cut it out with the whole tanned 5 lbs of make up fake look like STAT! SO fucking unattractive it's not even funny.. Shia LaBoeuf or rather LaDouche as I prefer to refer to him as, somehow manages to pull off and even doucheier role than the previous film in the franchise. God.. Who the fuck wants to be known as the dude who plays a total douche in the movies. Talk about unfortunate type casting! Well then again, seeing as how I play one full time in real life I suppose it wouldn't be too bad. At least I'd be getting paid for it.. Besides, we all know how much pussy Wilmer Valderrama from that 70's show gets. Lucky fuck..

Ug and more UG!

Anyways, I think that's about all I can muster about the film other than it's complete and utter lack of cohesive balance. Not to mention the grevious product placement in nearly every seen. Otherwise I'll never finish this fraking rant/review..

Yes, it's wicked entertaining. Yes, you will see Megan Fox's titties jostling around in slow motion. Yes, you will have at least 2.3 epileptic fits per 10 minute interval. Yes, the glaze over your eyes will appear to be sweeter and thicker than a Chick-O-Stick, aaaand yes.. you will be shocked and amazed at the lengths in which Hollywood will go to entertain and assist in our ever dumbening down culture..

Now.. If you want to watch some truly awesome flicks. Check these out:

The Thin Red Line

Sexy Beast


Ground Hogs Day

Mississippi Burning

War Photographer

Princess Mononoke


How to get ahead in advertising

Glengarry Glen Ross

LA Confidential

The Way Things Go

12 Angry Men

A Very Long Engagement

Killing Zoe

Falling Down

American Psycho

Withnail & I

Le Femme Nikita (1990)

..and anything with Daniel Day Lewis in it (Except for Gangs- He's great, but the film blows)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know there's like a million more but those are just some off the top of my head that aren't too super obvious. Like Taxi Driver. Which is super awesome of course and everyone loves yadda, yadda, yadda. Regardless they all beat the living shit out of Transformers 2 and any other lack luster job MB could ever possibly hope to achieve..

For those of you who made it this far, here's your reward- enjoy!

For further 'reading' you can catch my previous review of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift here..



Anonymous said...

by god, me thinks u were still stoned when writing this fucking post. it has that amusing stoned tone, not that i'm complaining

Anonymous said...

WhaaaTTT the fuck, gangs of newyork is no way near anything that blows... are you serious?

CyclingWMD said...

Anonymous 1: Yeah, I must be permanently stoned to be stupid enough to post retarded shit like that!

Anonymous 2: Dude, I have two words for you: Cameron, Diaz