CYCLING WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION: NAHBS 2011: Wait, Tall Bikes? Really?!!

Yup, that's right! There were in fact THREE tall bikes on display at NAHBS. A fact that had my panties in a twist more than anything else. I made it a point to stop by and photograph each one and really take in all the details..

First and gnarliest of the bunch, was this Calfee Carbon Fiber with hemp wrap Tall bike.

I most certainly had mixed emotions about this one. At first I was like WTF?! Like someone was stepping on my toes and I had to fluff out my chest. I only say that cause there aren't too many people out there creating well built tall bikes with nice parts. Once the initial pissy-ness wore off I came to appreciate how cool it indeed was. Ugly as fuck, but pretty damn cool. I guess I was just pissed cause I actually started a Carbon Fiber tall bike project like 2 years ago but never finished it along with really, really wanting to put a Rohloff hub on one as well. So much for those ideas! Anyways, cool as shit..

I think this one was my favorite from Vulture Cycles:

It's got the right mix of parts, is painted black and has a cool flag hanging fromt the front. Fucking RAD! Having said that there's no way in shit I would ride a bike that tall. The thought of breaking a leg/arm and or wrist/ankle quickly comes to mind when and if a bail needs to be made from that height. Otherwise, yeah, pretty bitchin'!

And now for the pièce de résistance, or rather: THE BIGGEST PIECE OF FUCKING ASS TERD I HAVE EVER SEEN OUTSIDE OF A GODDAMN TOILET:

That thing is SUCH a goddamn herp-a-derping doosey I can barely stand it! WORST design. WORST name. WORST parts. WORST fucking tall bike I have ever laid eyes on HANDS. DOWN. I'd rather look at one of those POS rich kid in disguise freegan gutter punk asshole's tall bikes than that hunk of shit. What a load of horse shit those things are! Not only did these assholes have this fucking thing on display, but they purposely locked like 3 of them right outside by the entrance in the other colors they offer the fucking douches!

I first heard of them when I read Lyle's post about tall bikes. Seriously, those things shouldn't be seen outside of tourist hubs like Times Square cause lord knows how many people's retinas were burnt to a crisp at having to observe that 10 car pile up of a fucking thing. I SWEAR if I see a single one of those anywhere near the NY/NJ area I'm going to make it my mission to destroy it PERSONALLY. Anyone who's stupid enough to pay $1000+ for that POS deserves to be dragged out in the street and shot..

My thing, and what I've heard and talked about in person with many a cyclist, is that tall bikes should NEVER be something made on a mass marketed shite level like that. Some say they shouldn't even be offered for sale from custom builders either. While I see where their coming from, I kinda don't agree cause I feel like, so long as the person is cool and plans on actually using it, than it should be fine. That being said, I would have no problem personally offering people a chance at owning a tall bike if they are unable to build one themselves. Would you have to come over to hang out with me, get your hands dirty, grill some meat and drink a beer or three? Yes. I'm not down with working on something like that for/with someone unless I knew that it would suit their personality and they were good people in general. While that may come across as someone elitist, the truth of the matter is that I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE..

So here's where you might expect one of those twatty rich kids I mentioned earlier to say something like: Bike Culture not for sale! and or Cars suck!

However the truth of the matter is Bike 'culture' is ALL about what's for sale with every fucking product filling every fucking niche until some ass munch (such as myself) feels the need to spread into another untapped category and when that doesn't work, make up their own. Also, cars don't suck. It's the ignorant fucks who drive them AND the retards who do stupid shit while riding their bikes to annoy said ingnorant fucks behind the wheel. Cars also come in handy when gee, I don't know, you need to TRAVEL ANYWHERE THAT'S NOT A MAJOR CITY. Get over it you fucking retards. That shit ain't going anywhere IN YOUR LIFETIME so you could at least use what pitiful efforts you put into cycling, when you're not using one of those lame ass polaroid apps, to actually try and C O E X H I S T with O T H E R P E O P L E out there aside from yourselves. And if you're not going to try, at least take off that rediculous sticker since it's really not helping anyone out ESPECIALLY that veil of street cred you think you have but totally don't..

PHEW! Been a while since I had a good one of those ehh?? Anyways, I've got a few more posts about NAHBS despite the fact that it's been over for like a week now. What can I say tho- 5 days and nights with not a single toke or spank in sight?? Gotta make up for lost time ;-)

Oh but wait, there's more!

I'm not sure if anyone else realized this- is it just me or did NAHBS not only have tall bikes show up on display for the first time, but their booklet was MUCH nicer than last year. I'm only wondering if that's the case because last year I brought a bunch of tall/freak bikes to the Philly Expo along with putting together a really nice little booklet as well. So yeah, paranoia here or what..? Def struck me as being a strange coincidence..

But enough of that shit, here's some sexy bike parts to make up for all the worthless ranting:

Cinelli Titanium 8 Speed hubs: