Thursday, December 3, 2009

Experiencing the Yin and Yang of cycling..

So.. Last night I had to make my way over to Williamsburg to meet up with the dude who ended up purchasing the Cinelli off me. What do I see as I'm stepping outside my office? RAIN.. I fucking HATE riding in the rain! Unless it's like a summer shower on a wicked hot day which is actually kind of awesome. But yeah, I really hate getting all wet and having to ride a lot slower. Riding with slicks and no brakes isn't too-too big a deal but it's the wet glasses that get me. For those of you who don't know what it's like wearing drippy wet glasses while riding a bike, try wrapping a few layers of plastic wrap around your eyes and you'll get the idea real quick. Contacts aren't much better either..

In any case, I made my way downtown with relative ease. Until of course I made the turn onto 2nd ave. 2nd ave runs south one way downtown so I was about to make a right when I noticed a bike taxi coming down the way. I slowed a bit to let him pass but a car ended up getting in his way right as the light turned red for them. I went ahead to make the turn but wasn't feeling the huge shortline bus parked on the corner. I slowed down to near track stand speed and leaned over the bars a bit to have a quick peak around the corner since it was a completely blind turn. At the EXACT moment as I'm about to see around the corner, this motherfucking Chinese food delivery guy comes fucking FLYING at me from around the bus right next to it GOING THE WRONG WAY AT NIGHT WHILE IT'S RAINING OUT AT A TRAFFIC LIGHT WHERE THERE'S A HUGE BUS PARKED AND NO WAY TO SEE AROUND THE CORNER. He came so fucking close to nailing me head on that he clipped my bars and I swear I felt my beard rub against his shoulder. It happen so instantly that I had zero time to react and lost my balance falling right on that really shitty part of your knee to fall on (right under the disc off to the side a bit). Not to mention it scared the shit out of me! He however managed to stay a float because I'm sure this shit happens to him like 50 times a day. He continued to ride away BUT.. he dropped a really big bag of Chinese food and had to stop to get it. Said bag dropped about 15 feet away from me and like 10 from him..

Now.. I understand that this poor bastard is stuck delivering food to schmucks such as myself all day and night long in all types of shitty weather. Then along comes my honky fuckin' ass sporting an expensive bike that I lock up in the street etc, etc.. So I probably could've gone a little easier on the guy and been more understanding of his situation. However, this is me we're talking about here.. I turned around and saw him looking at me and he must've seen that I was really pissed because he looked at the bag.. and then looked back at me again. Sensing trouble, he made a break for the bag thinking he could make a speedy get away. Once I saw that I was like, oh not even! I got back to my feet lickety split, made a running start at that ffffucking bag of shitty Chinese food I almost died for and gave it the fuken boot! I kicked that fucking bag so hard that not only did I feel no resistance whatsoever as my foot cut right through it, but it completely EXPLODED aaaall over the fuckin' place! Pieces of Chicken, broccoli and who the fuck knows what else in solid and or liquid form spewing forth in every direction..

I then followed up that display by going off on the loudest fucking tirade about how unconscionably stupid you have to be to pull as bonehead a maneuver as that. I mean, if you think I look scary in the Self Portrait I shot a couple posts back, imagine it's cold, dark, raining, you nearly killed me flying the wrong way up the street and now you've got my 6' 1" thickly bearded self standing over you screaming bloody murder. It was kind of like screaming at a deer stuck in headlights. He was absolutely frozen solid not saying a word, occasionally looking down in shock at the food all over the street, him and his bike.. A crowd of onlookers slowed their roll and somehow managed to break away from texting their friends in time to tweet what was transpiring in front of them AT THAT VERY MOMENT..

It wasn't until I rode away and the pain/adrenaline had a chance to subside that I kind of just started laughing to myself at the assholey absurdity of it all. It was pretty amazing! Seriously tho, next time you're really, super, super angry about something that's otherwise meaningless in the grand scheme of things, go buy like $30 worth of Chinese food, place it on the ground about 10-15 feet in front of you, get a running start and give it the fucking heave ho! If you need inspiration just try imagining it's a little dog. wwWhat? Don't even try to tell me that you haven't thought about scoring a 50 yard field goal with one of those frilly little bastards..

Luckily I made it back to the burg without any other incidents. Grabbed the Cinelli out of my car and rang on the buyer's doorbell. I went upstairs and was greeted by him (Max), his buddy (Mike) and two lovely ladies. I felt bad interrupting their evening by showing up all soggy and flustered from the ride over. However there was business to be had so it never really matters how grungy things are so long as there's bikes involved..

It seemed as tho my arrival was unexpected by his guests as they admired what I had brought in from the rain for them. His buddy was particularly interested and it became obvious that he was also a fellow cycling nerd exclaiming: 'Deltas?! Nohoho fucking way!!' What came next was quite the shocker as Max uttered the phrase:

Yeeaaah well.. Merry Christmas..

He said it in that hushing Yeah I love ya now go fuck yourself wouldja, we got ladies on hand tone..

There was a brief silence while our brains were processing the information which was abruptly shattered when his friend exploded like a fucking WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION! He flipped his mother fucking lid like I've never seen anyone before. I kinda just laughed not really getting it at first thinking he meant just the brakes when I realized he was giving him the whole fucking bike! Some amazing gift huh?! I want friends like that!!

Witnessing that level of jubilance is about as close to watching another male orgasm in person as I'll ever want to get. There was that one time when I caught a nasty sex show in Pad Pong Bangkok where there was live fucking. As live as two dead zombies fucking in front of a crowd could possibly be anyways. They had this glazed over look in their eyes like they were watching re-runs of their favorite childhood sitcoms in their heads. But yeah, I don't think I've ever been anywhere near as excited about something like that (that didn't involve drugs or pussy) pretty much ever. So it was awesome that I was able to play a part in that for someone else as indirect as it was..

Once the excitement cooled off a bit we hung around and shot the shit about bicycles, groups etc. Max has a really nice Merckx roadie frame that he's looking to build up and a Nagasawa Labeled North- something or other? I can't remember the name right now for some reason. Mike spoke of how he no longer had any excuse to back out of a century ride now that he had the Cinelli and planned on riding the living shit out of it! They were both super stoked and invited me to join them on some rides whenever I'm in the neighborhood. I didn't want to keep them from their evening any longer so I said my goodbyes and left. I walked down the stairs with a big grin across my face as I could hear the now muffled room explode with excitement once again from behind the heavy door..

That experience was about as rad as it can possibly get when selling a bike. The greatest fear and hesitation to selling super nice stuff is not knowing what'll happen to it once it's out of your hands. With something like the Cinelli, you want it to be like a Willy Wonka situation where the you know the next person will appreciate it for what it is an not make too drastic a change. As opposed to someone just parting it out and selling it on ebay or putting some wack ass parts on it.. Like Sram Red, hehe..

So in closing, Chinese food delivery guys can join all the yellow cabs in oblivion for all I care and I hope cycling enthusiasts like Max and Mike live forever..

I think the most amazing thing about all this is that I somehow managed to write as much as I did about two things that occurred inside of like- 30 min..



Noel said...

Heh..great post. The Chinese food punt was priceless.

Anonymous said...

HA, a great story. You rode to Williamsburg to get a bike out of your car there? Why was your car in the Burg?

NSK said...

This is the greatest blog in America.

Ben said...

Nice, great story, liked the post.

CyclingWMD said...

Bahahaa! Oh man, NSK you slay me..

Thanks everyone, glad you all got a kick out of it!

Anonymous: I sometimes drive my car into the burg to be able to hang with friends after work to get dinner etc. Riding a bike 12+ miles late at night to the Jerz on a full stomach in the winter can be a bit of a bummer. Tho in this case I had to bring him the bike. I also wanted to ride mine so I tossed em both in and parked there. The double commute is kind of retarded but what can ya do?

Anonymous said...

Word I feel you. But if I was able to commute on a motherfucking sick ass concept I wouldn't care how far or how cold I was haha

CyclingWMD said...

Hehe, yeah, but that wears off after the year. Trust me..

s said...

your story is pure nyc. It's got bit of shit and a bit of sugar.
I'd consider your reaction conservative. Gotta teach those food delivery schmoes a lesson in those situations so they don't kill someone next time. Low wages don't excuse moronic behavior.

craig said...

I was on the edge of my seat hoping this would lead to you laying the guy out like LT back in the day. When i read the bag punt it was much better than laying someone out. Great story though and still the most amusing and epic blog about bikes online.

iamjberube said...

my half drunk self really wanted you to grab
the Chinese food and ride off...but still, <3 fast
food punting

Anonymous said...

love the blog...story made my day...thanx

Anonymous said...

the dog comment was totally stupid and ridiculous. shit like that is never funny.

CyclingWMD said...

No, see, that's where you're wrong because shit like that is never NOT funny. Actually doing it in real life on the other hand...would probably still be really funny, but in all likelihood would not go over too well with the owner. We all have fucked up evil thoughts and there's nothing any one can ever do about that cause we're just HUMAN in the end. So relax and just have a laugh!

Anonymous said...

Love the storytelling!! great fucking post! And you didn't even need a bunch of fingerbang photos to tell it ;)

morgman said...

This post had me in stitches. Good job man.

Anonymous said...

I'm so buying the fucking t-shirt for this one.

I picture a manga-looking asian kid on a moped holding one bag of food looking at this wookie-monster kicking the shit out of his other bag.

Big "POW" across the top.

CyclingWMD said...

BAAAHH! Holy shit that sounds amazing indeed!! Create the graphic and I make up the shirts, hehehe

Alex Mojcher said...

i wanna be one of the first in line for that shirt, for real! haha great post man

CyclingWMD said...

Thanks man! I may have to talk to an illustration buddy of mine and see what he can come up with. Def would be classic!

Ross said...

I'd love to bite that storyline for a film-short.
16mm, color.
No dialogue.
Zappa for the soundtrack.
An 80's-live-action-Batman-style "Sha-SPLAM!" comic-bubble for the dim-sum punt.
Rain & Grain.
Fucking hilarious.

CyclingWMD said...

Shirts AND short films! FREAKING AWESOME!!

phil said...

This is why I love this blog. I swear I get in more close calls with delivery guys and other random idiots on bikes than cars. Not that I'm prefect. i've been the idiot before too. Either way, props on the food punt. I can't think of a better way it could have played out.

Velodrone said...

Damn this was the funniest blog entry I have read in a long time. You know how some blogs are boring and are written like half assed 5th grade book report?? Well this is nothing like that shit.
This entry has to be my favorite of CWMD. Such a good story ...except for getting hit by a food delivery guy.

brian said...

dude... saw this on craigslist, i think you inspired the gift receiver to give up his track bike.

CyclingWMD said...

Holy shit that's hilarious! Thanks for sending me that man..